I find panic in the peaceful.


August 10, 2020: Week 6 of chemo treatment

Sunday: Panic about Monday’s treatment.

Monday: Drive to Huntsville, get bloodwork, meet with doctor, get treatment, go home and sleep.

Tuesday: Be tired and cranky from not being able to sleep from steroids, lay on couch, nap, and do nothing.

Wednesday: Errands. Play with my girl. Be a mom and wife. Heartburn begins.

Thursday: Rash, itchiness and diarrhea begin. Do nothing and take baths. Drink Gatorade.

Friday: Same as yesterday but pack for the beach, clean and drive to beach.

Saturday: Enjoy the beach.

Sunday: Panic about Monday’s treatment.

(Medication side effects vary greatly from patient to patient. This was my weekly experience from Taxol, Herceptin and Perjeta.)


I’ve lived in chaos for so long I’ve become accustom to it. Talking to my mental coach we realized, now things are setting down, I find panic in the peaceful. Having the quiet leaves my mind open to fear. Fear leads to anxiety. Last week was filled with panic attacks. I’m getting down to discovering who I am again and pushing myself to live a simpler life. All of that fear stems from stepping out of my comfort zone. There is a familiarity and security with staying comfortable. Clearing my house of excess things and setting goals to a healthier lifestyle make me uncomfortable. In a weird way have found comfort in being sick. Nothing was expected of me. My days were planned out full of doctor appointments and I just needed to rest and recover. Each day, I return closer to normalcy. New routines become overwhelming but are necessary in order for change. Changing how I live is a difficult process but will lead to an end goal of simplicity and peace. 

Learning to create healthy habits, enjoying a more active life and finding things that make me happy are great goals but not simple to achieve. I want to simplify, but decluttering a whole house seems overwhelming. I want to run 32 miles, but that seems unachievable. I want to eat healthier, but dang it it’s been a rough day and I want some ice cream. Last week my training coach created an interval workout. Walk a minute then run three, walk another minute and then run 4 mins and so on. Running with a visible end right in front of me made the whole run more enjoyable. By the time I was done, compared to my last run was a 180-degree flip in my attitude. Instead of negative talk and “I hate this,” my run was fun and I could have run farther. Learning and understanding how I deal with struggle and finding solutions let me perform my best. Finding little ways to challenge my comfort zone by just stepping outside of it instead of a giant leap have been successful.

Taking this same technique of micro goal setting and applying it to other areas in my daily life will hopefully help with my anxiety. Creating baby steps makes the process more manageable. Focusing on cleaning out and organizing one drawer instead of cleaning an entire room or house is achievable. Learning to let go of things that, as Marie Kondo says, “don’t bring joy” and keeping meaningful objects is a hard process. Realizing just because someone gave me a gift three years ago does mean I need to feel guilty if it is causing me stress and want to throw it away. These micro goals make the task seem more attainable and gives me more victories during the day when I achieve them. Anyone can quit when things get hard, but committing to even just do a small thing in the right direction can be a simple step toward progress.

Today, I will take a deep breath. I will take one task and break it into small goals and complete without anxiety. Today will step one foot out of my comfort zone and I will be one step closer to the life I want.

(When your husband comments on your running form…you stop and show him your best moves.)

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