At the beach last week, I found out a friend I went to a retreat with died of metastatic breast cancer. It’s not fair to her husband, her children or her family and friends. We started our chemo on the same day together. I kept in touch for a while then lost contact over the weeks. I kept up with her husband’s social media posts. She was not responding like I was. Her body failed her beautiful spirit. I feel guilty I didn’t reach out more. I was selfish in blocking out the reality of what my disease could be. Not wanting to believe it could happen just as easily to me. I felt guilty I was responding to treatment when she wasn’t. I pushed people away this week. I was unkind to my daughter and husband. I struggled daily. I don’t want 32-miles to come across as a perfect life and perfect family. I want to be inspirational and give hope but sometimes I can barely get out of bed, let alone workout. I’m sharing this to those who are struggling this holiday season. To those who are alone. Who have lost someone. We must trudge forward. Remember what is important and live each day without regrets. Leave our guilt behind and focus on the next step forward. Choose happy.
I’ve been quiet the last week because I really haven’t known what to say. I’ve been angry because life is unfair. I’ve been sad because one day I will have to leave this world with loved ones behind. I have felt guilt and felt selfish for putting my own needs and feelings first. Just writing this has helped me analyze my feelings and validate them. I tried a few self-portraits but nothing felt right. The beach was gloomy yet beautiful so this is the picture I have chosen to represent this week.
Today I will be intentional on my actions. Today I will be a better wife and mother. Today will be better than yesterday.