November 23rd was my last treatment. I had my PET and meeting with my doctor on the 7th of December. I asked to quit, to just be done with treatment and to take my chances. Continuing Herceptin every three weeks for the rest of the year seemed overwhelming. He knew I was tired. He told me we were going to skip that day’s treatment.
The past weeks I have felt great. I have been working out every day. I have been spending time with my family. I needed a break to wake up from the fog and to have everything return to normal. This break has helped me see clear again. But my anxiety is still high. I know I will have to go back.
Today I resume treatment. I have been dreading it but this weekend something clicked. I understand. I need to do it. I need to give myself the best chance for a long life because God has big plans for me. I have big plans for me. If I give up and the cancer returns, I will be so mad. Mad at myself for not taking every opportunity to be cured. Mad at what could have been if I hadn’t given up.
I have been thinking. What if I have cancer for a bigger purpose? Maybe I was assigned this because I could turn it into something great. Is all of this necessary in getting me to where I am meant to be? Maybe everything that was supposed to happen, happened to fuel this purpose. This season of life is preparing me for the next.
Today I will push on. I will continue receiving treatments to have the best chance of overpowering the cancer and living a long life. Today I will daydream about all the amazing things still planned for me.